Life

Off Topic: I Will Believe

This isn’t a story.  It’s not some carefully crafted fiction.  I usually save my blog for posts dealing solely with my writing, but here I will veer to another topic.  A personal topic.  Why?  Because I need to.  Because sometimes the words that swirl within are not all stories – they’re words about me, about my life, about my own story.

I’ve been running from God for a long time.  I’ve known that for awhile.  You may have known it for awhile if you know me.  I always chalked this need to flee up to a selfish rebellion.  I couldn’t meet God’s requirements and I didn’t want to try anymore.  So I gave up.  If we were in a romantic relationship, I would have basically said “hey, let’s take a break.”

But I came to a realization today.  I don’t know when it happened, but some time ago I subconsciously began to believe something about God.  I began to imagine him as a judge, frowning down on me.  Oh, I knew what they said at church, I knew what the Bible said about his love.  But this was how I saw him – yet all the while without really realizing it.  How often do you think about how you think about someone?  You don’t usually.  You just think that way.

So I saw God as a judge.  Someone I could never be good enough for.  I could never meet his requirements (i.e., I thought I needed to be perfect).  When he opened his mouth, I don’t know what he was really saying – but all I heard was “Sacrifice, Sacrifice, Sacrifice.”  I thought he wanted to take every joy away from me.  That I needed to become a quiet creature content to have nothing.

When I walked away from God I found a lot of beautiful things.  My husband, our life together, my passion for writing.  And I hesitated to go back to my God because, I figured, he would take away all of these wonderful things I had found.  I felt afraid today.  I’ve been pondering how some people have the darkest, most painful lives.  They seem doomed to face trouble after trouble, while I march happily along.  And I thought God would take that away from me.  My life is so full of sunshine, surely God will notice I’m hogging it all and take it away from me.

And as I realized fully all of these things I had come to believe about God, I felt at a loss.  How do I change what I believe?  How do I change the way I’ve come to see someone?  I don’t know how, I don’t know where to begin.

So I did the only thing I could do.  Tears streaming down my face, I just began to say “I choose to believe that you love me.”

I choose to believe that you love me.”

I tasted my salty tears on my lips and spoke again.

I will believe that you love me.  I will believe that you love me.”

So, world, this is me.  I don’t know what lies ahead and I’m still a little terrified that I’ll get my share of darkness and pain soon.  But I’m repeating these words over and over, because eventually if I say them and think them enough they must come true.

I will believe that you love me.

I will believe that you love me.

I will believe that you love me.

~Alexis

 

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